Cash Carriage
by bleachUlquiGrimm
Summary: Dark chases Epona away leaving Link stranded near Kakariko. Now, Link is forcing Dark to help him get home so Zelda won't be pissed! But what happens when their ride home is actually a horrible game show on wheels? What the F*** I know.


**This is stupid, dumb, mental even for ME. THis is the most outlandish son-of-a-bitch story I've ever written. I don't even know why I wrote it. I don't know why I SUBMITTED it! Just bear with me. It ain't funny. Nope, it's just a whole bunch of stupid combined into a gloriously retarded (apologies to those who are touchy about this word) story. _You probably won't enjoy._**  
**Oh and this isn't reverse psychology. It's actually me speaking the truth. This story sucks. THose of you who clicked on this, read this, or both are very brake people.**

It was late at night or very early in the morning in Kakariko Village. Link waved goodbye to his friend Renado and readied Epona for the ride back to Hyrule where Zelda was probably waiting for him. He led Epona to the city limits where the red rock became lush grass. Link took in the fresh air, exhaling with a sigh.

"We should go Epona." He stroked her. Epona let out a neigh. Just as Link jumped to get on Epona, something grabbed his leg. He looked to see the hand coming from his shadow! He dropped down to stomp on the shadow, but the black spot moved out of the way coming to a standstill on the red rock. Link unsheathed his sword.

"Come out of there, Dark. I know it's you!"

"Not even a 'hello'? You're pretty rude." The shadow slinked out of the wall becoming solid in form revealing the evil Dark Link.

"Are you going to sight or what?" Link asked getting impatient. He really needed to go. Zelda would be mad enough as is about his late arrival. Dark Link shook his head. I haven't come to fight you, Link. Link was bewildered but kept his eyes on the crafty clone. He shrunk back into a shadow with Link's eyes following. He came up near Epona scaring her half to death with a loud yell that had her galloping away. Link gasped sheathing his sword to run after her but it was no use. The Clydesdale was too fast for him. He stopped angry at his shadow. Dark Link only laughed.

"Ha! You have no way to get back now!"

"You idiot! Zelda's going to be pissed…" Link groaned. He grabbed Dark by the neck. Dark couldn't escape. Link roughed him up cursing him for his intrusion. Dark broke free.

"Can't you just call her back, sheesh!" Dark wiped himself off.

"You scared her." Link said through clenched teeth.

"Riiiiight…well, I'll see you tomorrow to ruin your life." Dark smiled starting to turn. Link grabbed him.

"No. You're going to help me get to Castle Town."

Dark groaned loudly. They both pondered to each other pacing in a circle that eventually wore the earth down. They both groaned. There was nothing they could do. All hope was lost! But wait, just when they thought everything was over, a horse drawn carriage appeared. It was a weird carriage. It was built where the driver could sit inside. Dark elbowed Link hard in the ribs.

"Hey! You can use that." He said. "OK, can I go now?"

"No way! You have to explain to Zelda why I was late."

"I have to do _everything_!" Dark complained. They flagged down the carriage.

"Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you but could you take me and my brother to Castle Town?"

"Sure thing. No problemo." The driver said in a weird accent. Dark stifled a laugh and an insult and climbed in reluctantly with Link. When the door closed, the driver rang bells and the horses neighed like they were excited. Link and Dark exchanged a glance. The driver turned to them.

"Hey! You're in the Cash Carriage, a game show where you can win big rupees until you reach your destination. If you answer three questions wrong, you have to get out wherever we are."

"Game show? This isn't 2010 dude." Dark rolled his eyes.

"Just go with it for the sake of bleachUlquiGrimm's crazy imagination." Link groaned. Dark shrugged.

"So, do you want to play?" The driver asked. The two boys nodded.

"Okay, these questions are worth 20 rupees." The driver said. "How many fangirls wait in Castle Town?"

"Fangirls? Um…Link?" Dark looked at his Light self. Link grimaced.

"Three…"

"CORRECT!"

$25 _really cool bleeping noise that comes from the horses…yeah, the horses._

"Next question, name two warriors who helped in Twilight Princess."

"Rusl and…" Link looked up in thought. It had been months since Twilight Princess, and he never really bothered to actually learn their names. Why bother? What did they ever really do for him besides the raid at the castle? Nothing. They let him figure out everything up until then.

"Shad!" Dark said.

"Correct!"

$50 _cool bleep_

"What was the symbol of the destruction Termina?"

"IS this a trick question? Termina wasn't destroyed!" Link objected. Dark slapped a hand over Link's mouth.

"I want rupees. Shut the fuck up." He muttered to Link. "The answer is the moon."

"Oh no! Strike one! The correct answer was Majora's Mask."

$50_ X

"This is the last 20 rupee question. Who won the S.T.A.R game every single time?"

"Me…I mean, Link."

"That is correct!"

$75 _cool bleep _X

"These next are worth 50 rupees. What happened to the first land of Hyrule?"

"I think it flooded if I remember the King's words correctly…" Link pondered.

"Strike two! It was destroyed by evil forces."

"Fuck." Dark swore.

The process went much the same except that Link and Dark were careful not to make anymore blunders. They were only half way to Castle Town and couldn't afford to walk. Neither of them wanted to deal with the Stalhounds of the night, for those undead dogs of doom were pure evil. Finally, they reached $425 rupees. They were a third of the way to the town still in the 100 rupee questions.

"How many years did the Hero of Time stay frozen until he could defeat Ganon?"

"Seven years!" Link shouted.

"Correct!"

$525 _cool bleep _XX

"Uh-oh looks like a Bulbin crossing meaning it's time for the Bulbin ! I'm going to ask a question that requires you to the name a whole bunch of things, wrong answers are not counted against you so yell out those answers!" The driver said quickly. "Name all of the coolest bosses in the Legend of Zelda franchise."

"Vaati!"

"Ganon!"

"Malladus!"

"Chancellor Cole!"

"Twinrova! Gleeok! Stallord!"

"Gohma! Skull Kid!"

"Twilight Parasite!"

"One more!" The driver encouraged. "Five seconds!"

"Uh, uh, uh, uh…" Link was hopping up and down in his seat. He turned to Dark. "Think of something! I don't know!"

"Me either!"

"Three seconds!"

"Um…, possessed Nabooru, Twilight Baba …" Link listed off.

"ZANT!" Dark yelled.

"YES and with one second to spare!"

$725 _cool bleep noise _XX

"Congratulations! You guys won 725 rupees! And we're pulling up to the steps of Castle Town."

"Yes! YES! YES! GOOD JOB DARK!"

"ME? YOU DID AWESOME TOO!"

The two hopped up and down like giddy school girls talking about Taylor Lautner (hawt). They continued their incessant chatter. The driver turned to face them.

"Guys, I have the rupees right here. But."

"He said but." Link looked nervously at Dark.

"Why'd he say but?" Dark looked at Link.

"If you take the Picture Bonus Question, you can double your rupees and come out with $1450 rupees."

"Should we do it?" Dark asked. Link bit his lip.

"What happens if we get the question wrong?"

"You lose everything."

"No tha-"

"We'll DO it!" Dark laughed. He couldn't turn down a challenge like that and why should he? They had been doing great so far minus the two strikes they had picked up along the way. Link grimaced at his Dark side.

"Dark!" He whispered roughly. Dark only smiled at him. The driver turned back to them holding a picture of an ancient gold temple.

"This gold temple lies deep in 'the sandy pits of hell'. It's a place for cleansing the soul and healing the spirit. The locals respected and took care of it dearly. What is this temple?"

Link studied the picture closely. He remembered it fairly well, but it just wasn't coming to him. Dark didn't know it either. They both stared at each other frowning.

"Answer?"

"Um…the…place?" Dark shrugged. Link put his head into his heads groaning. The driver scrunched his face.

"No! The spirit temple in the Gerudo Desert."

"I've seen the Gerudo Desert. It looks nothing like that!" Dark quipped. Link groaned again.

"Ocarina of Time…how could I? My first adventure!" He cried. Dark cried when the pile of rupees was put back in storage. He bit his hand resisting the want.

"Sorry guys. Thanks for playing."

"Yeah, it was fun-ish." Link got out of the carriage. Dark didn't follow.

"I'll be in there in a sec." He called. Link went ahead without him knowing he would regret the decision 5. 4. 3. 2. BOOOM! A pillar of smoke rose from outside the gate exactly where they had been. Link tried to ignore it walking over the bridge. He stopped to turn around. Dark ran past him carrying a bag that clinked and clanked.

"Run! Run! He survived the explosion!" Dark went into the town. Link groaned again. Zelda was going to pwn him. Stupid Dark, stupid Epona's fear of people yelling, and stupid cash carriage.

"WHERE"S MY MONEY?" The driver yelled coming through the gates swinging a crowbar. Link sped into the town not even looking back heading straight for the castle. This had been the worst night of Link's life!

* * *

**What did I tell you? This story sucks ass... BADLY. Ughghghghghghghghghg...I can't believe I wrote this piece of shit. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. You thought it would be good because of the beginning didn't you? It doesn't take much to make ruin a story people, not much at all. Blech. Sorry about this shit.**


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